I wrote this for a friend that was intending to start up a magazine back in '93 or '94. The magazine never got past issue one (it was a good attempt though), and this is all that remains of it.
Given Name: Barney
Status: #1 most annoying puppet or person in a TV series.
Barney's true origins are unknown, although much has been speculated on this subject. One theory is that he is a product of a time traveling experiment gone [very] bad. Although somewhat plausible, this theory is generally discounted due to the lack of supporting fossil evidence. However, if Barney were a true relic from the Jurrassic age, and these were the results of dinosaurs developing speech, it would explain why no other dinosaurs developed such a capacity. The next possible explanation is that he is a space alien. This would explain many things, including Barney's "teeth" which match no other species known, as well as his purple-green color, which no respectable Terran species would don. It would also explain the complex machinery required to create Barney's hypnotic effect of children. However, it becomes apparent that a race of beings capable of creating such a devious creature, who's purpose would obviously be to destroy the minds of our children and thus weaken our defense to an attack, would have the technology to wipe us out without such an elaborate hoax. Still, this theory cannot be totally discounted, for there is the remaining possibility that Barney is an outcast of such a species. Also a possibility is that Barney is a demon come to destroy us all. This theory, at first, seems correct, but on detailed study, this theory also fails the test. For why would such an obviously powerful demon require assistance from the creature known as "Baby Bop" or, indeed, any of his minions. Truly, Barney's origins are a mystery.
Thankfully, much more is known about Barney's personal history than his origin. It is known that Barney is in someway related to Grimace, one of the notorious Ronald McDonald's top agents. It is believed that Barney and Grimace are cousins, although it has been suggested or that the two are brothers. It is also known that at one point in Barney's life, he was fiercely loyal to Grimace and Ronald. This was toward the beginning of Barney's career, it was also during this period that he met Natasha (who is now works under the alias "Baby Bop"). It is unclear what exactly occurred, but all evidence seems to point toward some sort of falling out between Barney and the McDonald gang, and that when he left he took Natasha with him. Barney maintains a fierce hatred of the McDonald gang, and most especially Grimace. Barney has take out a contract on Grimace, and there have been numerous attempts by Barney to kill Grimace. So far, all of these attempts have been unsuccessful, although during one hit, which occurred at a meeting of the Fast Food syndicate, Wendy was accidental shot and killed. This knowledge has not yet been publicized, mainly due to the massive efforts by her father, Dave, to maintain an illusion of normality, denying anything is wrong and maintaining his daughter is still alive. To this day Dave maintains a hatred of Barney and has taken a contract out on Barney as well as Natasha. Grimace has been driven underground by the numerous attempts on his life, and is now rarely seen out side of his home "McDonald land" and even then, glimpses are rare. Barney is hated by many members of the Fast Food syndicate, who regard him as an upstart, someone who was let in and then betrayed them, he is especially hated by Ronald McDonald, who is believed to have recently taken out a contract on Barney, jealous of Bareny's newfound success. After splitting from the McDonald Gang, Barney laid low for a number of years. Much of what happened during this period is pure speculation, as little hard evidence exists. It is known Barney was experimenting with drugs during his sojourn with the McDonald Gang, and it is commonly believed that at least during part of his absence he experimented heavily with them. Currently, Barney is a heavy user of drugs and illegal narcotics [although the exact type is unknown], he is also a supplier to many of his agents. His heavy usage of drugs also explains his effortless ability to maintain an atmosphere of inane happiness. It is also believed that during this time Barney made numerous contacts that allowed him to surface in his present day position, a PBS show. It is perhaps this, more than anything that gives us insight into Barney's persona, for he made this choice for a number of well planned reasons. For one, PBS does not allow commercials, thus giving Barney more air time. Also, the general public is unprepared for this kind of an onslaught from a PBS channel, although their "guard" is up when vie wing normal channels, the majority of people have a great trust for what PBS channels put on the air. It is unknown how Barney joined up with his current band of elite followers, although they are fiercely loyal to him, and confrontation without backup is ill advised.
Upon the first appearance of Barney on PBS, it was felt that Barney may be part of a conspiracy, but on further investigation this was proved wrong. It is now known that Barney is working alone, with the exception of his followers. Barney is a "lone operator." He is also an egomaniac, believing himself supreme among all of his competitors. It is believed Barney wishes to slowly gain control of our young through his TV show. It is speculated that Barney plans to influence children into becoming his loyal followers, forcing them to buy Barney merchandise, adding to the Barney fortune. Once he gains this control, it is unclear what he intends to do with his new found power. Much speculation has occurred on this subject as well, but none of it provides any clear, true explanation that fits the known facts. However, growing evidence is leading to the conclusion that Barney, although brilliant, is insane. This fits all of the facts gathered thus far on Barney's activities. It is believed that this condition is a result of his drug abuse, and it is also speculated that this may have been the reason for his split with the McDonald land gang and his brother Grimace. Normally Barney is peaceful, however, when Barney is not under the influence of drugs, he has been known to become violent and abusive, it is believed that Barney's elite group of followers have, on occasion, fallen victim to Barney's rage. Barney's temper is also believed to have caused a number of deaths, mostly during Barney's disappearance. No charges can be laid because little evidence was ever left behind. It is believed that at least one of Barney's elite was killed, but this was covered up by the Barney cult, realizing that this would be harmful to their public image. Barney is also a known sexual deviant. It is believed that Barney has on a number of occasions, molested the children he is so often seen with. Thankfully, however, these situations are relatively rare, as most of his sexual energy is spent with Natasha. Barney is very protective of Natasha, his moll. In fact, it is considered a private joke among the two that Natasha donned the name of "Baby Bop."
Unlike many other criminals of Barney's type, the open killing of Barney is not a problem. Almost all those over the age of seven recognize the threat of Barney. The problem instead, lies in getting to Barney. It seems that only Barney's elite know how to contact and summon Barney, and attempts to duplicate this feat have never been successful. A number of raids have been conducted, but all have ended in failure. Barney can only be seen in"safe" situations, highly guarded and controlled. It is unsure even where the taping of the show occurs. Approaching Barney or any of his followers, especially "Baby Bop" is extremely ill-advised unless considerable force is present. Due to the uncertainty of Barney's origin, it is unknown how the death of Barney could be brought about. It has been attempted to gain information from one of Barney's elite, but it has been found that all are extremely loyal. The reason for this loyalty is unknown. It is obvious that they see through Barney's character, and recognize him for what he is. Most prized would be the turning of one of these agents, as information they could provide would undoubtedly be extremely valuable.