I used to read mags like spin and rolling stone and after a while you really start to notice the glaring similarities between any given article and review. Plus gansta speech is just plain funny. I suddenly remembered having worked on this sometime in the past. I fished through the archives and actually found it, finished it, and posted it just in time for Christmas...
There's a lot to be said for image.
My dinner guest and I are seated in an out of the way Italian restaurant and while he sprinkles a bit more parmesan cheese on his tortellini ("Spaghetti is so cliché") I reflect that, unlike so many others, my guest recognizes the importance of image. He has latched on, and rode, the most impressive display of sheer marketing prowess since the Easter Bunny decided to lay eggs.
There's a lot to be said for image.
And my guest, Santa Claus, has said almost all of it. He's gone through more phases and names than Bowie and Madonna put together. Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, his bad-boy "Nikki 'Two-Streams'" phase, the Father Christmas/St. Nick period ("What do I call you?" "Whatever's easiest for you, but if you're confused, most call me Santa.") When you add in the international cross-marketing and numerous imitators, you have one of the most recognized media figures of all time. But is he basically a one-hit-wonder? Pundits are asking can he do it again?
A somewhat slimmed down, mustache-only Santa is in town to promote his newest holiday, on which he collaborated with the Easter Bunny and "featuring Lil Kim."
Rolling Stone So what, exactly, is the title of this new holiday? there's been a lot of press, but no title has -
Santa Ya... Ya see, is all a marketing thang. They's all gonna be revealed in time. But for now, yous just hafta sit tight.
RS Big Secret?
S [smiles] ya, somethin' like that.
RS So before we get into it, we have to touch on Christmas. That one you collaborated on with Christ. It's not only your biggest hit, but some say the biggest hit ever. How do you expect people to look past that?
S Right. Ya. See Christmas was huge. I mean, just huge. And I ain't wantin' to take away from that. But see, I think peoples'll be able to see that. It might take a bit, but... See, Christmas, that was, like, me and J.C. And I ain't tryin' to take away from what we were doin' there. But I'm an artist, see? I gotta keep doin this, too. I'm not trying to replace Christmas, I don't see that I could ever touch what we did there, but I gotta still keep doing this for me.
RS You said you're doing this for artistic reasons. What about critics that claim Christmas is over-commercialized? That it's just a media thing?
S [sighs] See... lotsa people just don't get it. I mean, I'm an artist, but one that uses the media. The media and their reaction. It's all part of it. It's everything, right?
RS Fair enough. So your collaborating with the Easter Bunny on this new holiday. How did that happen?
S Ya. Well I first met the Easter Bunny through J.C. We had both done stuff with our Immaculate Savior, and he introduced us at this party. I'm real excited 'cause I've just been a huge fan of his for a long time - and he was the same way 'bout me. So it's worked out really well.
RS And Lil' Kim
S She's jus' sexy. We've known each other forever and always wanted to do something together. It just hasn't worked out 'til now.
RS What is it she's doing, exactly?
S Oh... she laid down a few vocals and then just some of the colors and themes we were trying to get down - really pulled a few things into focus for me an' Easter.
RS So it will be more 'you and the Easter Bunny' or more 'you and Lil' Kim'?
S Oh ya, it's me an' Easter all the way, y'know. Kim's more just a guest spot. Ain't a bad thing, y'know, just a thing.
RS So what is it that you're trying to do this time? What is it you want to do?
S [grins] Y'know, I just' gotta let some people know: The Claw is back! Gonna show some people how its gotta get done! [laughs] But no, serious. I think a lot of people have gotten mixed up with this whole holiday business, forgotten their roots. An' I'm here to give 'em all a little reminder.
RS How so?
S Well... I'm jus' sayin...
RS No, really. You're saying things are wrong? What is it? What is it that today's holiday originators are doing wrong?
S Well... this whole 'week/month' thang. I mean... It's stupid, right? I think yous should just... y'know... stick to a day [pauses] I mean, don' get me wrong or nuttin' - I ain't tryin' to start no war. But I mean sheeet... like "frienship week" or "history month" Damn! Me an' J.C. bring the house down with one day. If people wanna dig you for a month before - that's their thang' right? But don't be shovin' yo talent-less ass down they throats 'n'shit...
RS So you think holidays should be one day affairs?
S Damn! Random Act of Kindness week? A day, sure. For the shorties an' all. But a week? By the end o' that mutha it be more like random act o' violence! Sleigh some muthas that need sleighn' is all I sayin' [chuckles]
RS So what will this new holiday bring? What can we expect?
S I think my fans are gonna see a more personal side. There's gonna be layers, y'know. Like... Christmas: Green. Red. But this new one it's like a rainbow when you compare them. I mean, I really feel like I've grown as an artist. I got the skills, ya... It's gonna be a smaller afair. In some way it's like the opposite of Christmas. More introspective. Less mistletoe.
RS And it's due...
S Ya, it'll hit in the next month or two. It's kinda all up in'a air now. We all waitin' on the distributors 'n'shit.
RS Right. Well thanks for your time Santa.
S Ya. Peace out.