Star Trek: The Alternate Voyages

"Bashir Bonks Everybody"

Vash look about the room, wondering, vaguely, why the bar was on its side. Ah! That was it.

Picking herself up, Vash tried to retain an aloof composure, which was not easy, considering how she was flat out drunk. She stumbled about the room, bumping into something, she apologized to the wall and continued on her way. She thought back, not an easy task, for someone who had just guzzled three Bluvarianoze Wally-Wally-Bing-Bangers. She looked at herself and realized she was still wearing the evening dress she had worn to her business meeting. Damn! She wished she had been able to sell those statues. They would have kept her alive for at least a few more months.

SMAK! Who was this, groping desperately at the figure in front of her, she recognized Julian Bashir.

"Hey Julie-baby!" she managed to mumble.

"Vash? That is you isn't it?" The doctor managed to spurt out.

"Hey come 'ere. I wanna show you something. <hic>"

"I think I had better take you back to your room." He said, and began the lumberous task of half-walking, half-dragging Vash to her room. Upon arrival, the door slid open and he managed to dump the semi-conscious Vash on her bed.

"OUFF! Hey Julie, come here. I got a secret I wanna tell you."

Dr. Bashir felt her nails dig into his chest as she grabbed for him. Although he did put up a bit of a struggle, he had to admit, he was not entirely reluctant. He felt Vash's hand trace a curved path down his front. As it slowly made its way to his lower thighs, he felt her apply the slightest amount of pressure.

He heard the door swish closed behind him, but by that time, he was to occupied to do anything but grunt.

"Well, if it isn't the little slut." It was Q the one and only, Vash sat up in bed, looked down at herself, she saw her breasts heaving in and out in rythm to her breathing. She looked around, Julian was not to be found.

"Oh, don't worry about him, I've fixed him good." That malevolent grin she knew so well crossed his face.

"Q, it wasn't his fault. What have you done?"

"Well, lets just say, I've made things... interesting."

Captian's Log, STARDATE: 2514.8, I have recently had the pleasure of rejoining my Transporter Chief, as we have docked at space station Deep Space Nine. When, to my surprise, the worm hole opened up. And out of it came the Enterprise, registration NCC1701, the original craft. For which the NCC1701-D is named after. It was shortly after this that I learned of Dr. Julian Bashir's disappearance aboard D-S-Nine. I can only hope that these two incidents are not, in some way, related.

"Julian!"

"Dax!"

"Julian!"

"Dax!"

"OH! JULIAN!!!"

"DAX!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOHHHHH! YES! AAAAAHHHH! OH! Do it again! Julian"

"Perhaps another time. There are many other things I have to do."

"No, Julian, please. come back. I want to do it again. Please."

Captians Log, STARDATE: unknown. After our successful mission to get high ratings on late night re-runs, we now find ourselves... thrust into unknown territory, It seems like Federation space, only the person in charge of the other ship is a bald old man. Which stands against current Federation policy that the captain of the ship must be attractive and non-boring. I have consulted with Spock and he tells me that we have been brought here by a man named Q. Apparently someone too stupid to have more than one letter in his name. Bones has taken up arguing with an android called Data, who, according to Bones, is even more annoying than Spock, whereas Spock has decided to go to his room and masturbate, saying "This is way too fucking weird for me"

Acording to last report, my communications officer, Uhura, transported over to the other ship and was speaking to, ugh, a Klingon. My chief of Enginering, Mr. Scott, is apparently over on the other ship as well, deep in discussion with Mr. LaForge as to how he could join them in a future episode. I believe their last idea was for Scotty to get sucked into a ship resembling the death star and then survive in the transporter for 80 years.

The planet we are currently orbiting, I am informed, is called Bajor. We have of course sent the ritual security officer down to be slaughtered.

"Dax! What are you talking about? I thought we had an understanding?" Sisko watched Dax admiringly. He had never seen her naked in her new body. He had to admit, it was a very pleasing sight.

"I'm sorry, but I just can't do it anymore." She looked down at herself, realizing she had forgotten to put her clothes back on. Oh well.

"But it was every Tuesday and Thursday. What's happened?" He watched her closely, following ever subtle movement.

"I'm sorry Benjy, but after Bashir, you just don't measure up, Literally."

"OOOOOOOHHHHHH!"

"Kira, your tits are so --"

"OH JULIAN! OOOHH!"

"Kira!"

"JULIAN!"

"KIRA!!"

"JULIAN! JULIAN! OHH! Oh, Julian, your fabulous. Hey, Where are you going?"

"Lets just say, I have other things to do."

"No Julian, please. Come back..."

"Well, Kira, Did you enjoy yourself" Odo stared at the Major wondering, briefly, what her bra size was. Wishing that one night had gone further.

"Odo, what do you mean?" She stared back at him, thinking, comically about his attempts to make an erection.

"Don't play games, Major. I know you and the good doctor had a rather interesting encounter last night." He stared longingly at her.

"Oh, so what were you this time?" She laughed to herself as she looked at his nose.

"The bed covers."

"Hmpf!" And with that eloquent statement, she left.

With a flash of light, Q appeared in her room. Vash sighed and turned around. She watched him, as he slowly made his way toward her. She was bored, so why not.

She slid off her clothes, leaving nothing.

"OH BASHIR!"

"Beverly, please, call me Julian."

"JULIAN!!!!!"

"Omf!"

"I'm sorry Jean-baby, I'm just going to have to call it quits. I mean, your nice and all, but after... Bashir. Well, I'm sorry."

Picard looked around his briefing room, vaguely wondering what the inverse cube of 49 1/2 was. He reached out to fondle Beverly's breasts, he was surprised when she drew back. "Beverly what's wrong, its nothing we haven't done before."

"Jean Luc, I'm sorry." With that, she left, thinking of the glorious night before.

Hmm... What should he do? He could not help thinking of Beverly, in her tight, blue uniform...

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"Sir, I was merely stating that if something is not done to save the planet Bajor within the next 2 hours, it will be environmentally crippled." Data stood there, unblinking, thinking of Tasha, her firm breasts caressing him, his --

"And how is it that neither Deep Space Nine or the Bajor officials have spotted this problem?"

"It wasn't sweeps week."

"Oh, ok. So, what do you propose we do about it?"

<INSERT VERY TECHNICAL EXPLANATION HERE, WHICH INVOLVES PICARD GOING TO THE SURFACE OF BAJOR>

"Ah, alright, then, I shall depart immediately."

"PLEASURE! INTENSE PLEASURE!"

"What! Deanna, please, I'm sure we could work this out. We could go back to my room, have a little Octurian Brandy, you could sense me, I could blow my horn..." Riker gave her that sly grin she new so well.

"I'm sorry Will, I just can't"

Sisko watched in amazement as the panel in front of him danced with a million colors, reds, greens, blues. They definitely had to get some better special effects on this show.

"O'Brian! What's going on here! what's with these stupid cheap effects? They look lie something 100 years old!"

"I canna' say, sir, perhaps i' is the ol' Enta'prise bein' here."

"Scotty? What are you doing here? I asked for O'Brian."

"Aye sir. That ya' did, But I 'm jus' practicin' for when I'm here as a regular."

"Well, that's very nice but --"

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"Hey! What the -- Where's all the lights...?"

"Sir, I canna 'splain i'. The pow'r 'as been completely drain'd"

"OH NO! It can't be... It is... AHHHH!"

"Wha' i' i' sir?"

"ITS A CHEAP PLOT TRICK!"

"Why, Nurse Chapel, you hair looks so... old, But you have nice legs."

"OH BASHIR!!!!!!!!"

"Oh Chapel!"

"BASHIR!!!! (Please, call me Sheena, Sex Godess)"

"But I just don't... Understand.. it. How ... could you? How could you... do.. this to... me?"

"Jim, I'm sorry, but it takes you the same amount of time to get an erection as it does for you to complete a sentence."

STARDATE: Oh, who cares <hic> We the Romulan people (No, not now, maybe later, meet me in my quarters tonight) Nooow where wuz I? Ohya, we juss declared war on the rest of the <hic> galaxy, but I dunno if they bulived us. I tell ya though, jus between yous and me, mr. Computer, HQ gave me a helluva first officer, those tits of hers, YAA! (what, no go 'way, no I don't know where the key to the liquor cabniet is) Well, anyways, among today's plans, we'ze gonna ransack that pittsy little D-S-Nine and go steal their liquor <hic>

"JULIAN!!"

"UHURA!"

"JULIAN!!!!!!!"

"UHURA!!!!!!"

"JULIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What do you mean you cannot see me any longer?"

"I'm sorry, Worf, you got big ridges and all, but compared to Julian, you just don't measure up."

"Hmf, True warriors are NEVER turned down."

"Ya, give it a rest... I guess true warriors don't last more than a minute either, huh?"

"Alright... is everybody here? Sisko... check. Odo... check. Riker... check. Kirk... check. Worf... check. And of course me. Well men, I know, the ecosystem of Bajor is up in the air, the Romulans are ready to invade, D-S-Nine is suffering not only from a power failure, but from cheap special effects, and, as last I heard, Mr. LaForge informed me that Mr. Data is dreaming and the Enterprise thinks its an old west movie. But, today, we face a far more serious problem... BASHIR."

At this moment the room erupted into general chaos, this, however, was no match for Picard, who merely tilted his head in the right way, cleared his throat in his Picardian way (that he does so well), and straightened his shirt, at which point everybody spontaneously paid attention to him.

"Right Men, I know we'll probably get fired for this one, but I say we use some violence." Said Picard, at which point Kirk wondered what was wrong with violence, stating that it was standard protocol to beat other races up on his show. Riker ground his knuckles and hoped maybe he would rip his shirt, Worf Grunted, stating he had wanted to use violence all along, Odo said, he didn't see anything wrong with violence, and (during his moonlighting as the T-1000) he had killed many people already. And Sisko was busy bragging about how he had punched out Q ("only the most powerful being in the universe") and that he could take Bashir on single handedly. Picard, of course, straightened his shirt and protested that it was in the script.

"Right then, its decided, lets go."

"BASHIR!!!!!!!!"

"GUINAN!!!"

"BASHIR!!!!!"

"GUINAN!!!!!"

"BASHIR!!!!!!! Oh, Bashir, who are those men in the door? Picard, Riker? is that you? Kirk? Hey put those phases down..."

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|_____| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_|     |_| |_| |_| |_|

"Oh! Great! Now just what am I supposed to do on a Friday night..."

Captians Log, Stardate: 2519.3 Our vist to D-S-Nine now concludes, with sweeps week over, we find ourselves one character less, Bashir has, unfortunately died. He was found in airlock this morning, we can only presume the multiple phaser blasts to his head were an accident of some sort, the Producers are, of course, irrate, but it is expected that everything will return to normal shortly. The Bajorn environmental problem turned out to be the local citizens simply not recycling their Coke bottles. The Original Enterprise has disappeared through the worm hole, this time with the bizarre idea of turning themselves into an animated series in an effort to re-capture their old ratings. D-S-Nine's power has been restored (it turns out that somebody merely hit the wrong switch in the control booth). And the Romulans have left Federation space upon discovering that any type of fun is prohibited (especially non-synthaholic liquor, which is strictly forbidden in any Star Trek show) and went off in search of a -Quote- REAL -Unquote- planet.