So I got one of those email survey things today. In light of the upcoming valentine's day festivities, I thought I'd answer it in the voice of a generic ex-girlfriend. For the record: No this isn't directed at anyone; all in fun. If I was a woman, this would have been answered by a generic ex-boyfriend. Happy Bitter Single
Guy Person Day.
FULL NAME: Your Ex-Girlfriend
SEX: extra-dimensional-hell-beast tend not to have genders
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Well right now, I'm living at home with my parents, but I'm hoping to convince you to move out so that I live off you.. I mean, move in with you.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS? They're freeky. But I always make sure to check my horoscope
YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? Well not Baywatch, like some people. But I do like Angel, he's a hottie. Plus I like Clooney, so guess I should list ER. I also enjoy Touched by an Angel and Oprah.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? It has the cutest little floral design. But I switch between that mouse pad and this other one that has a bunny rabbit on it.
FAVORITE BOARD GAME: I don't really like board games. I also don't really feel like going to the bar, watching or renting a movie, going to a restaurant, hanging out with your smelly friends, going for walks and especially bowling or pool.
FAVORITE MAGAZINE: Cosmo
FAVORITE SMELLS: Unindurable by Calvin Klein
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: The time my last boyfriend dumped me. Have I ever told you about him?
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: Titanic soundtrack, of course! I also like anything with Sarah MacLaughlan
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING? I can't believe I gave in _again_ Headaches don't seem to work any more.
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? Yes
ROLLER COASTERS -- SCARY OR EXCITING? The opposite of whatever you answered
PEN OR PENCIL? Ooo! My favorite pencil is a hello kitty pencil I've had since grade three, which my daddy gave to me. It's really important to me and I'd ask you not make fun of it. But it's a little to late to ask for *that* common courtesy now, isn't it?
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE: I have call display, so say if it's one of my girlfriends then right away. But if it's someone who.. say.. has been a bit of a jerk lately, we'll just have to see.
FUTURE SON'S NAME: Maybe Lance. That's a good boys name, right?
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: I was thinking we could name her after mother. Is that ok?
FAVORITE FOODS: Hog'n'dogs [i have no idea how you really spell that stuff. But it's funnier that way ~james]
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: No, I disagree with them most times. Except sometimes in arguments it's convenient to bring up their opinions, so I do.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS? Croutons. Heaven forbid I hurt an animal.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE? Well, I'd prefer it if you could pick me up.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS: They're up on a shelves around my room. But sometimes when I need someone to care about, I like to take them down and just hold them. Oh, I mean, I care about you too dear..
STORMS - COOL OR SCARY: Evil. They totally ruin your makeup and just what's the point of going out if your dress is going to get all wet and look like some slut. Not that I'm talking about anyone's ex-girlfriend here.
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? My daddy's um.. car.. thing. I think it was a dodge or a ford or something.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? Oprah. She has so much to say to today's women.
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Whatever has an umbrella in them.
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? snake (on the Chinese zodiac)
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET? Maya Angelo.. at least I think that's what Oprah keeps recommending.
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? uck. I never had to put up with them as a kid, so why would I now? I feel the same way about supporting myself.
GUYS -- IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT?
GIRLS -- WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT OFF HIS BACK? No, if he can't look at me and figure out he should be doing. I'm not going to ask. But maybe I might bring it up in a month or two when we finally get around to talking about the things he's been doing wrong lately.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I don't know yet. But I'm going to keep taking courses until I figure out what I like. The government doesn't actually want those student loans back anyway
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Maybe the same color as that waitress you seemed so fond of last night.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes. It's the most wonderful romantic feeling in the world. I wish everyone could be as happy as I've been. I mean am.
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Well, the shelves of teddy bears. And that poster of Tom Cruise I should really take down. It's so Junior High, but oh well. Then I've still got that absolutely romantic poem my last boyfriend gave to me.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Depends on the liquid.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE? I don't drink snapple. I only drink bottled water.
FAVORITE MOVIE(S)/BOOK(S)?: Books: Um.. I don't read that many books. But I should really check out that Maya Angelo. Movies: Titanic, of course!
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS? Left handed. And I wish a certain someone would _stop_ implying that's a sign of devil worship
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Sometimes.
IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? I don't understand this question. Is this implying that I'm supposed to like gardening because I'm a woman?
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? I've got this little chest of keepsakes, and then a whole stack of Cosmos and some bridal magazines from when I was in Junior High (I don't think about that stuff anymore, of course. Really. It just comes up in conversation, it's not like I'm obsessed or anything)
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 666
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR? Well, I'd never get one, but a big musle car is kind of sexy for a guy. But if someone I actually knew owned one, I'd have to mock them. They're obviously just big penis-cars.
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: I don't really like sports, and I will never understand how anyone could waste their time on it. Why can't we do something I like doing?
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON(S) WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: I like the really sentimental stories they send. I always pass them on - and hey, it might be good luck!
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Probably my sister, she's always so wrapped up in herself (just kiddin' girl). I'm glad *I'm* not like that.