It's been a messy and somewhat confusing time. Not because things are have become muddied, but because things are starting to clear up. I have no personal revelations, the cathartic incident that one might secretly hope for has not come, because there was never a need for it. I heard something today that made me question a decision I once made. Yet I feel excited as the world seems to be opening up, just a bit, just for me.
Sometimes you forget lessons you've learned. And when you remember them again, you kick yourself. Sometimes you remember a whole bunch of them all at once and you find yourself on an ego-high as you contemplate how wickedly brilliant you must be. I wish I could hold on to all the good things that seem to pass through me, but I know in a week or a month or a year, I'll have forgotten the lessons all over again. Apparently goldfish have a memory of three seconds. Each time startled by the bright neon castle as it appears inside your vision.
Some words are deceptively hard to understand. The really obvious words like Love, and Acceptance, and Forgiveness, and Compassion. Humility. Flexibility. Everyone has their own little personal view of how the world works. And recognizing that everyone else that you deal with thinks about things just a little different than you is one of the most important things I think you can do. Recognizing that that's just how it is, and that's valid. If we stopped trying to change other people, and just worked on ourselves we'd be a lot better off. But clichés take just as much work to understand. Things seem simple only when taken for granted. Understanding, that's a hard one too.
I spent time with someone I care about and I thought about someone I miss. I did something I felt was right and wondered if I'd done something else wrong. I wondered if I should be doing more and how much would turn out like I wanted it to. I wondered what exactly I wanted. I don't really know what I'm doing sometimes, and that scares me.
I want to reach out sometimes, only I don't know what I'd do once I finished reaching. Sometimes, I want to help people and I wish they'd reach out to me, but I bet you they have the same fears.
Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder about things, and other times I know things for certain. But they tend to flip flop back and forth. I want to do interesting, fabulous things all throughout my life but it's a remarkably tough goal. Sometimes all these things well up inside you and you feel like you're going to burst. But today, its in a good way and I don't even know why. I think that's a good thing, not knowing why. It makes you want to look for answers.