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Really Dumb Story III: The Sci-Fi Epic

Shaun Guthrie expertly piloted his space-fighter toward the hanger doors. The carrier space ship’s impressive array of weaponry growing larger as he made his final approach.

In the fighter beside his, Cliff also punched in the codes for their final approach. It had been a long hard mission of blowing up the enemy space ships; now it was time to come home.

Trailing them slightly, on the same approach vector as Shaun, Vladimir’s fighter limped into port as well. Damaged when one of the enemy had tried to blow him up. But instead he had blown them up; blown them up good.

“This is the S.S. Brunswick, I’ve got you on screen,” radioed James. “You’re lookin’ good. Welcome home Alpha Squad.”

After landing, the grizzled, war-hardened trio emerged from their fighter ships and convened on the elevator pad. Collectively, they decided it was time to relax and headed toward the pilots lounge that was on the ship.

As they entered, Shaun flipped up the collar of his fighter pilot jacket and said “I’ll see you guys later.” Then he walked over to where there were a bunch of hot chicks and they all started hanging off him because he was a fighter pilot and fighter pilots were cool.

Wishing him well, Vlad and Cliff sat down and had a round of drinks. Then Cliff got up and said “I’m gonna get me some babes too.” After he left Vlad decided he was going to get some hot babes. But he didn’t say that to anyone because no one was left at the table, so he just went off and got himself some babes too.

James wasn’t there because he was still on duty and helping people land their space planes. But later on he went off duty and then he had lots of hot babes too. And they were even more hot than the other hot babes.

 

The next day was pretty average. Vlad decided he would go down to the hangers and see how his ship was doing.

“Hi Vlad,” said Liam, who was fixing the ship. His gray overalls were spotted with grease and he had a wrench in one hand.

“Hi.” Vlad gently patted his fighter plane. “How’s she doing?”

“Well, it’s been touch-and-go. All the wiring was fused together and the landing gear and wings are all blown off. Plus the lasers don’t work because they were blown up too.”

Vlad nodded solemnly.

“But I think we’ll get ’er working again,” continued Liam. “It won’t be long before you’re back out there fighting the enemy.”

“Ya, that damn enemy,” said Vlad. The enemy were called Vishians. “Those Vishians are nothing but trouble.” And they were.

“It was their whole fault for starting this war,” Liam said angrily. “If they hadn’t attacked us, maybe we’d all still be on Earth enjoying things in peace. Instead here we are trapped in this tin-can existence, fighting tooth and nail just to survive.”

Vlad nodded that this was true and then said good-bye, heading back to where he was before.

Shaun was still hanging out with hot chicks and Cliff went to see a movie. Because there was a movie theater in the ship too, where lots of pilots went.

 

But the next day, the shit hit the fan! James called them to the meeting room to tell them about their mission.

Cliff and Shaun were already there. Cliff had a scar on his face on account of when he was injured and he was talking to Shaun about stuff like chicks and killing the enemy.

Then James came in with Kyle and Erron. Kyle and Erron were experts on Vishians, like how to talk Vishian and what they looked like. Vishians were like big octopuses and had eight arms that they’d use to strangle you, which is why you should never get too close to a Vishian. That was how Cliff got his scar. He got too close to one and it cut him with a knife, but then Wham! Cliff got it back and killed it.

“Okay,” said James. “Kyle and Erron are going to tell you about your mission now.”

Then Vlad came in, but it was okay because they hadn’t really started yet. So he high-fived Cliff and Shaun because they were fighter pilots too.

Kyle called up the display screen, which showed all kinds of information about their battle plans. “These are top secret, so don’t tell anyone about them,” said Kyle. They all nodded their heads in agreement.

Then Erron spoke. “What you have to do is, this is their home-world.” Erron pointed at planet Vishian. “And your job is going to be to blow it up while a bunch of other pilots get into fights with all the Vishian fighter pilots. So they won’t even see you coming.”

They all nodded that this was a good plan.

“Do we get any special weapons?” Asked Shaun.

“Okay, you can have some,” said Kyle. “We’ll give you some neutron bombs to take out their home-world. But you can’t be too close otherwise you’ll get blown into a million pieces because these bombs are so powerful.”

They all got excited about having those bombs. Vlad jumped up and started high-fiving everyone again, even Kyle and Erron. But not James, because he would have up and popped him one; that was just the kind of C.O. he was. You had to have discipline, which James did.

 

Later that day, after they’d had some lunch, they all got in their space fighters and took off. There were lots of other pilots out there too, so there was lots of chatter on the radio. But James would have none of that.

“Okay you guys, settle down.” James knew he was sending them out on a dangerous mission. And some of his men wouldn’t make it back. That was one of the toughest things he had to do: send good men to die. “Have a good mission and get ’em good for all of us back here. Because who even knows what the Vishians were thinking when they attacked us. But now its payback time!” Lots of pilots cheered at that one. “Good luck men,” he added.

Lots of pilots said good luck back, but not Alpha Squad. They were hard and they didn’t need luck, so they just switched on their hyperdrives and they were out of there. All the other pilots did the same and then they were gone; out into the void of space.

They jumped into Vishian territory and man were the Vishians surprised. They flew around all confused and a lot of them got wasted right off. But they soon re-grouped and then it was on!

People were blowing each other up left, right and center. It was crazy with so many ships out there. Shaun almost bought it but at the last second Cliff flew in and saved his ass. All three of them ganged up on this big Vishian ship and blew the crap out of it too.

“Vlad, look out!” Yelled Shaun, across the radio. Vlad expertly flipped his ship around and lasered his attacker; slicing it clean in half. The Earth ships had fins and big rockets, while the Vishian fighters were smaller and moved quicker; making them hard to kill. But that was okay, because the Earth ships had good lasers on them.

“Time to start the attack,” radioed Cliff. While the other fighters kept the enemy busy, Alpha Squad started their run at the planet. It was tough going and they had to fight off lots of attacks. But they made it through enemy lines until there they were: The Vishian home-world. Before getting to the bombing they made sure to shoot up some of the Vishian cities and satellites and even one of the space-stations.

Then it was time. “Prepare to fire neutron bombs!” radioed Cliff. But someone must have overheard them because out of nowhere a bunch of Vishian ships attacked them! Some other fighters came in to help them but even still, the best they could do was fight off wave after wave of merciless Vishian fighters.

They didn’t have time for this. If they didn’t get it on soon, the Vishians would be able to send reinforcements; they’d be doomed. Vlad radioed “Just fire when you get the chance. There’s too many of them.” But then they remembered what Kyle had said about the big explosion, so they all backed right off.

First Vlad fired, decimating much of the planet. Next Cliff, his shot taking out the entire lower half of the planet. Finally Shaun got off his shot and that one just fried everything. The three consecutive neutron blasts had completely wiped out the entire surface of the Vishian home-world.

Then all the Vishians died, because that’s how it works. As soon as you kill the home-world they lose their telepathic link and it’s all over. Their space fighters, filled with dead Vishians, were left floating in space.

The pilots didn’t even bother destroying them all. They just left them there, floating. It was time to go home.

 

To celebrate, they threw the biggest party ever. And they all hooked up with so many hot chicks that who can even remember them all. They laughed and they smiled. They talked about how they could finally go home. Liam showed up and Vlad shook his hand for doing such a good job at fixing his fighter.

Kyle and Erron were dancing and James made a toast that everyone clapped after. It was great.

But when it was all over, Alpha Squad met up for a last round of drinks. They knew what had been left unsaid during the festivities. Because they knew that the Vishians might not be the only enemy out there. Sure, they might go home to visit. But you would always find Alpha Squad where they were needed most.

Out there; fighting to keep us safe.

2001 Mar 24 11:00 am; Filed under curator's pick, writing and tagged cliff, erron, fiction, kyle, liam, Really Dumb Story, shaun, vlad.
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  • Liam

    It's like a prescient, not-as-good Battlestar Galactica. Ooh, I'm like the chief.

  • Cliff

    This might be the greatest story of all time. First off, congratulations for writing a Mike story! (in case you aren't familiar...I had a buddy named Mike, who wrote short stories. They turned out fairly similar to this, only we were always running 'on fumes', we could fly around half the planet in about a sentence, and he wasn't doing it kidding. Yeah.).

    Anyway, a few points...

    1. Why isn't more attention paid to the fact that the Vlad character is clearly gay? I mean, come on, he only goes to talk to the hot babes because he feels obligated to keep up pretenses. Besides, after the Cliff character has gone rolling through, the hot babe stocks would obviously be sorely depleted.
    2. Is the Liam character the 'wacky garage guy', sort of like Christopher Lloyd's Jim Ignatowski character from Taxi? Or is he the 'dumb guy' character, like Tony Danza's Tony Banta character from Taxi...or anyone else Tony Danza has ever played, including himself? Or did he used to be a pilot, but he can't fly anymore, cause of his legs being blown off? And now, instead of legs, cause they got blown off and stuff, he has this hover thingy attached to his waist, and he's this floating half guy!
    3. Now, most of the characters speak in seriously butch overtones, especially Cliff, who is clearly a mega badass type, the sort you wouldn't want to mess with, because he's close to the edge, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. The exception seem to be the Kyle and Erron characters, who seem to speak in the same weird, 'Hi, I have Downs' Syndrome' cadence as the narrator of the story. Was there a push to include special needs characters in the story, as some sort of heartwarming element of tenderness? Or, were they to be objects of mockery, hilariously wetting themselves during the final dance scene?
    4. Is it just me, or is the James character not really fleshed out? I mean, come on, OBVIOUSLY he has a 'shadowy pas', but here, it's ignored, like it's not so much shadowy as murky. And that really gross looking murky, like it's a septic tank of mystery or something like that, the kind of mystery that would leave your hand smelling shitty if you went fishing around in there for the truth to his past, or a ring you took off, and stupidly set on the edge of the sink, and you knocked it down the drain because you're so fucking STUPID! What was I THINKING?!
    5. How did the Shaun character suffer the severe head trauma that have left him in a severe vegetative state, except he's awake, and not in a coma? Only his brain is in the coma! Yeah, actually, that's pretty AWESOME! Good job! But did he get hurt fighting a Vishian hand to hand, and they both have laser knives, and they're on a narrow catwalk above a bottomless pit? Oh, and it's WINDY, so it's all SWAYING and stuff! Fuck, that ROCKS! I mean, really, Shaun probably just bashed his face in to a door when he woke up to a Battle Stations alarm, and took off running, and forgot to OPEN the door, but the pit thing woulda been SWEET!
    6. How does the Cliff character find the time to exude pure awesomeness, what with all the killing aliens, banging models, fending off Vlad's desperate passes, building Liam's hoverwaist, teaching Kyle and Erron how to read, getting James all pissed, so he's always yelling "ClllIIIIFFFFFF! Get in here! You blew up a goddamn SPACE FREIGHTER?! You think this department can AFFORD this shit?!" and stuff, helping Shaun remember to breathe and shit...I mean, that's a lot of stuff!
    Awesome story, man.

    (In all seriousness, I am actually kinda liking the hoverwiast idea, though).

  • Legion

    Actually Cliff, if you look at the end notes of my Really Dumb Story II: The Movie Idea, I mention how that story (and also this one too, as you noted) are heavily influenced by the genius that is the Mike story.

    I bow to the brilliance of your story notes, it is obviously a much grander tale in the imaginations of Cliff! I too like the hoeverwaist idea. If the Visian's ever return to meance our heros, I may just return here for inspiration :DDD

    But seriously, I'm glad you liked it!

  • http://feelingsofwhite.com/2009/03/prepare-for-fucktastic-asskickery/ Prepare for Fucktastic Asskickery | Feelings of White

    [...] What's a Really Dumb Story? Try one Today! [...]

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