It's about time I put this out there.  This is a very personal story. It's also one I want to tell everyone I meet, but never do, because it's so personal.

Honest to God.  I am completely sincere as I write this.

When I was young, I begged my parents to let my stay up late so I could watch old old re-runs of Star Trek.  They went to bed and I stuck to my word and did nothing more than watch Star Trek, on RDTV (Red Deer TV), which had problems with the color red.  (ie, if the color red appeared on scren, it would appear very fuzzy and the audio would fuck up.)  Then I'd go to bed.  Watching Star Trek was honestly why I wanted to stay up.  I have no memory of how I even knew what Star Trek was. (full disclosure: fav episode: the one where they play fizbin)

Years later, I remember getting to stay up late, because Star Trek The Voyage Home  had just come out in theaters.  I believe I was pretty excited.  I don't really know.  I do remember that we missed the early show, but we as a family got to hang out downtown Edmonton so we could watch the late show.  The whole family.  I got to stay up late! and way past my bedtime  (this was an entirely cool thing for me, and I think most kids, growing up.  Because you were totally getting away with something, but with your parents permission.  Thinking about this now... this incident may have actually occured prior to watching old RTDV re-runs.  But who gives a shit.  STTVH is still my favorite movie (discolsure: 2nd fave movie: ST:Undscovered Country)

Years later, I heard about how they were going to make a new star trek.  I already knew this tv show would suck ass (although I would never use such language then).  I was in grade 5 or 6, and there was no way this could recapture the kirk/mccoy/spock, or basically, anything.  It was destined to suck (this was my actual thoughts at the time, I was so cool, eh?)  And I was completely right, it didn't compare.  It was different.  And I was so hooked.  From Encounter at Farpoint, ST:TNG roxored.  I was hooked. I drank the coolaid and it was tasty.  Only this many years after the fact can I be so detached or vaugly witty. Because at the time, my life changed, and my parents were so kind, and so awesome, that they didn't say anything or make fun of me.  All they did was say "oh cool, what's this new show that James likes?  We'll watch it too."  One day, I hope to be 0.00000000000001% as awesome as they were.  Because I'm crying as I write this.  They could have so easily discouraged me by just vaugly pointing out one of a billion flaws in the show.  But they didn't, they watched the show with me.  They loved me, and they loved the show.  i still love TNG.  It's a good show.

Then life changed for me.  things changed.  I remember being very exited when Deep Space Nine was announced.  But I watched like the first year or two, or three.  But I didn't care.  I'd made my way, painfully, akwardly, into puberty.  I got girlfriends.  I got my education.  Jobs.  Then Different Jobs.  I was computer geek and I programmed and it was fun, and star trek was a distant memory.  I remember hearing that Deep Space Nine was coming to an end and thinking "oh hey I remember that show, it kinda sucked".  So many years had passed, and I wasn't quite the geeky guy that I was, so whatever, eh?  I watched the final few episodes and thought "wow, this show got good!"  because it had some decent special effects, but it really didn't affect me that much. Not then.

But something else had happend to me, in those interviening years.  Life started to suck ass.  seriously suck ass.  I was depressed.  Then I was suicidal.  My favorite memory is waking up one morning and thinking "ahh... what a nice lovely day, wow, things are so lovely, things are beautiful in fact!"  Feeling average felt like a million buckes, and it lasted about 10-15 seconds. Then I remembered that I was James.  And I remembered what my life was like.  The only joy I had in that whole entire time was that one single day where, when I woke up, I didn't know who I was, so I got to be normal.  When I remembered: life returned to what it was every day.  I can't adequately describe it, but it was hell.  I wished I was dead every minute of every day, and every day I wasn't dead I made myself feel bad for not kiling myself, for not having the guts, for being such a pussy.  The way only  you can make yourself feel horrible, shittty, worse than shit.  Because you know all the right things to say to yourself.  I was so mean to myself.  I did it for a long. long. long. long time.  When I think about it now, I still wish I'd killed myself instead of living through it.  And most people I know now (5-10 years later) would describe me as someone happy.  I am so happy right now.  life is so good.  I'm still the only one who can possibly know how bad I was.  I am crying again.  A lot.  but suicide is a different topic, I've barely touched on how I felt.

There's no way to do ever do it justice.   And I don't really want to try.

Because I got over it.  Things got better.  All that stuff I just said was in the past.  I got laid one or two more times, which really didn't help, because I just felt bad about all the times I wasn't getting liad.  But honestly, things got good for a number of years.  All that crap was in the past, right?  Things had been good for quite a while.  Then things got bad again.  really bad.  then worse.  Only this time, I was familiar with the path, so I could travel it much, much quicker.  I got suicidal again.  I got depressed.  But this time, I had experience.

I know how to do it better.  I was much better at my job.  The job of being depressed. I wish I could travel back in time and appolgize to myself.  To hold my own hand.  To hug myself and say "it'll be okay"  But I can't.  Because I was alone.  Alone.  And So very very low

and this is right around the time that Deep Space Nine was ending.   It wasn't that popular a show.  Everyone liked Voyager, which was a bad judgement, as DS9 was better.  But as a wise friend once said "sometimes, you just want more star trek".  I didn't quite understand that logic until I found myself watching Enterprise, only because I'd watched every episode of DS9 at least 3 times.  But... I'm jumping ahead.  That's the last time, I promise.

So.  There I am.  Kinda depressed again, and I happen to be watching DS9 because, hey, what the hell, it was kindof okay, and I used to like star trek.  And Voyager sucked ass.  It was on late late at night, so what I'd do is stay up really late, because sleeping was no fun.  Then I'd smoke weed, and watch DS9, then fall asleep half way thorugh the episode because it was about 2 or 3am at that point.  Then I'd pull myself out of bed to got to a job, and a life, that I hated.  I didn't really give a shit about DS9.  I was so fucking tired, and so fucking stoned, that I would only see the first 15-30 minutes of an episode anyways.  It was just some stupid show and I liked the weed way way way more than the show.  And it was the only thing I looked forward too. 

The only thing.

Like, the only thing in my entire life.  

If you've never been suicidal, that's perfectly fine.  But imagine some mediocre show that you only vaugly care about.  Then imagine that it's the highlight of your day.   Yet you don't even care about that.  It's just an excuse to look forward too.  Something to look forward too.  (hell, that's always a good thing).  Something to smoke up too.  But it wasn't medicore, I began to realize it was good, so it made me want to keep watching.  Thank god it wasn't mediocre.

Deep Space Nine saved my life. 

I mean, honestly, I saved my own life.  DS9 was a convienient excuse.  But that's getting too introspective for my tastes. 

I spent a long time in that head-space.  watching DS9 late at night.  Months and months and months.  I wrote poems about it.

I hated my job (a computer programmer) and ended up quitting to do something else (a big-rig truck driver).  I thought I was going insane.  So did some of my friends.  So did some of my family.  But I remember being friends with this one guy who (prior to my knowing him) and went bat-shit insane (like "talking to walls insane") and I figured "Well, at least I'm not that crazy"  But (in hindsight) it's always easy to find someone who wen t a little further than you did.  People have died trying to be the one who went the furthest.  I almost did.  A couple times.

Remembering those times are some of my favorite memories

DS9 finished and started from the beginning, and I figured "Well, you know it might as well fun so see the whole plot developed'  and then "how Bashir & O'Brien got to be friends (two characters who, in Season 1, hated each other and, by Season 7, were BFF".  Then they cancelled DS9 and replaced it with Season 1 of "Big Brother" (dumbasses). 

But by then enough time had passed, and things, I dunno, nothing had changed, but things weren't seeming how they were.  I didn't have any big revilations.  [Okay, I had lots, and I've gotten lots of insights on suicidal thoughts.   But so do a bazillion other people.  But most of them are on a personal level, nothing that's going to turn me into a motivational speaker.]  But watch DS9 kept me sane.  It gave me something to do.  It gave me a reason to smoke weed.  It gave me well defined characters.  It gave me good scripts and good special effects.  It gave me a reason to stay up late.  It gave me something to look forward too.  It gave me a passion.  It gave me a reason to live.

It gave me reaason to live.

It gave me a reason to live when I couldn't think of any other reason to do so.  And yah.. I'm crying all over again. I just don't know how else to communicate that Yes, I am indeed feeling a lot of emotion on this.  So fuck you.  just fu8ck you.  You almost kill yourself and see how you deal with this shit.  fuck you.

DS9 is thr eason I'm alive.  And this shit all happened years ago.   years and years and years ago.

Nowadays, I've watched most DS9 episodes multiple times and ithink think the writing & acting is very good.  It's a good show.  But this page isn't titled "reasons why DS9 is a good show", is it?  But it is also a really good show.  Although, for many of the reason's I've just described, I will never ever claim to be any sort of objective crictic. 

But, for what it's worth

DS9 is a really good show (watch later season before you watch earlier seasons)

and DS9 saved my life

Thank you, DS9 writers, actors & staff

Your friend,

~james

This is verbatim unedited as written a few years ago. It felt wrong to edit, or even correct typos, for something so raw. It wasn't like I was sober the night this came poring out of me. It took a long time to be able to even write this down, likewise it took time to be brave enough to publish.