Chad, thank you. And I have indeed been able to find quite a bit of peace. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences away, because I can't imagine being some one else. Or rather, I can't imagine being someone else with any other starting point than who I am now. It's possible to change who you are, I've done it. I think too many people use their self-definition of who they believe they are as a way to prevent change "No, I can't be that way, that's not who I am" I certainly did that. The process of letting go of all those bits and pieces I thought were WhoIAm™ made me realize how much stronger I was. All those bits and pieces weren't "me", just thoughts I was thinking. It's the gateway to being someone else who, say, is a little less sad, less lonely

haha.. sorry If I got too zen on you

Not to overstate the completely, retardedly obvious, but I'm glad you did find something to cling to in your time of need, no matter how strange that something might seem in retrospect. I kinda like having someone around who not only managed to write something in their darkest hour that goes beyond horribly embarrassing shit poetry that might as well just scream "Woe is me!" a thousand times over, but who also found that writing years later and decided to air it out for anyone who might come along and see it. Cojones are a good thing (things, I suppose) to have. Sometimes you need to show everyone who you really are, and just let them either take it or fuck themselves. Good for you, man.

Not to trample all over your heartfelt sharing with my own stories of woe (although, really, that's pretty much what I'm about to do...but then, everyone knew I was basically a dick, right?), but I can sort of empathize with where you've been. I'm not going to say 'I've been there' or any other pandering crap like that, because I haven't...only you know what you went through, nobody else was there for every moment of it. But I do remember going for walks at 3 in the morning on a few occasions, and finding myself doing things like wandering down railroad tracks while a freight train was starting to get a tad close, and really having to convince myself that it was probably a good idea not to kiss the front end of a diesel locomotive. I couldn't really even tell you why...I know I didn't like myself and who I was at all, which is probably what it was all about. I really don't know that there was any one thing that sort of made me realize I didn't really want to be a corpse. I guess I just sort of moved on and realized that things don't have to be shit.

I'm glad you're around, James. It's not just anyone who I can say I've sat up until the sun came up and had a neverending conversation about everything and nothing with. You've been a big help to me when I've needed it, and you've been a fun guy to share a few thousand laughs with over wholly inappropriate jokes. And the madness must continue, or I really don't know what in the Hell I'm going to do with myself.

Oh, and on a side note, while I also still watch reruns of TNG, it really didn't get really good until Troi stopped dressing like an intergalactic cheerleader and Riker grew the beard.

I've done my share of writing while I was in a place that I didn't want to be. All of it is currently sitting on a busted computer in my closet and when I think about the things that are in there, I'm glad no one can read it and see what a sad and lonely person I was.

It's important for people that have gone through some really tough shit to be able to acknowledge their weaknesses and their shortcomings... it makes them better people.

I hope you've been able to find some peace. :)

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