The Shit Dancer [Tamdhu Stories 1.3]
I first drank Tamdhu in September 2006. It wasn't the first scotch I drank but it was the first in Scotland. It's become tied to strong memories, times of occasion and celebration. Here's how I spent my first bottle.
Betty the Gas-Whore | Money & Other Friends | The Shit Dancer
A tasty brew for manly men
Back in November 2007, we got a tiny black cockapoo puppy, which we named Magee (pronounced Muh-gee). My life, along with my wife's, changed. An example: we were forcibly adjusted to higher tolerances of urine in our carpet. Whereas we had been accustomed to levels of 'none,' Magee demonstrated exactly how much more piss and shit there could be. The hallmark moment being when he snuck downstairs to perform what can only be described as The Shit Dance on our carpet. I did not witness it, but I can imagine no other way he distributed so many turds over such a large area than to have been practicing a waltz, while gettin' 'er done.
Over 15 separate turds littered our white carpet when I discovered Magee's latest performance art
Those first weeks were hell. We slept in shifts the first few days, that’s how bad his night-time whimpering was. I understand newborn humans causing groggy nights, but dogs should not mess with you in this manner. Magee took great pains to correct my misunderstanding. Despite having been rewarded multiple times for peeing on a training pad, our eight week old puppy once held his bladder for seven hours rather than pee on his papers. Finally soiled his crate instead. Our dog has a tiny tiny brain. (and we gave up on paper training for outdoor training) I have devoted more attention to my dog's bladder and bowels than I ever thought possible. Oh, the detailed scatological accounts I could give...
Serious doubts were cast during this period. So frustrating and disruptive - why had we ruined our lives this way? Every waking hour of downtime was spent waiting for him to pee on our carpet -- so we could rush him outside and hope he'd make the connection. "Walks" were exercises in spastic leash tugging and his miraculous ability to be where you planned to step next. Neighborhood children, having discovered we owned a cute ball of concentrated evil, would ring our doorbell daily asking if the dog could come out and play. One kid was so regular he could have been a spokesman for high-fibre diets. The cleaning solution discolored our white rug, leaving circular testaments to the us-vs-dog battle that raged. The occasional slightly yellowish stain was hidden away where Magee managed to sneak a minor victory. And rug doctoring sucks.
Serious. Doubts. Were. Cast. Our prior lives beckoned, all we had to do was get rid of the dog. Janine and I swapped roles regularly: one ready to give up, the other willing to try for a few more days. Then we’d swap roles.
Hi. I'm Magee.
"Why don't you drink some of your scotch?" Janine asked, trying to lift my spirits after a particularly frazzling bout of human will vs. tiny dog brain. Indeed, our small nuclear family/pack of two persons increasing by one dog was unquestionably a Tamdhu moment. But only if permanent.
I shook my head, "if he makes it three months," I countered. Not entirely certain that it would occur.
Obviously he made it. Even months later, though house-trained, there are accidents, shoe issues, obedience issues and a reverential attitude towards Cesar Millan. But our family now irrevocably includes one very cute, lovable and highly excitable Magee. He doesn't always know what he's excited about, or what's going on, but he's very happy to be on the team. I have been so mean to him at times, yet his tail still wags when he sees me. An eternal optimist or just very very stupid?
He has taught me so much. I have learned how much quicker to anger I am than I thought and he provides a constant target upon which to practice my patience. His tiny mind is like a bizarre CPU I attempt to program via discipline, exercise, and affection. Most of my frustrations with him are merely my own flaws and mistakes reflected back on me. It turns out I have many.
Chewing the Tamdhu bottle's cork
But so rewarding is his companionship; I love my dog. Frightened of heights, I taught him to walk down stairs. He now walks alongside me, sans leash, happy for his place within our tiny pack. Knowing there is a certain order to this world he inhabits. But unable to comprehend it he looks to me for guidance. I am his pack leader. Being a good owner to my dog is among the most valuable things I may accomplish in this life. To mold and guide and live vicariously through him, for all the ways he has and will experience the world which I can't or wont. Alternatively teacher and pupil, Magee and I are now part of each others life; I can no longer imagine any other way.
So late one night after Janine had retired to bed, I pulled out the Tamdhu. I watched a little television and got a little drunk. I finished the bottle with Magee curled up next to me on the couch, the fireplace keeping us both warm.
this post's comment feed
Subscribe
I almost had a coffee-out-the-nose moment when you described the "shit dancing". I can almost picture your face when you came home to that.
I've enjoyed your scotch-related stories. Good job!
Nothing will ever make you feel more inadequate, incompetent or short-tempered than something (someone) that depends on you and does not yet have the capacity to live up to your expectations, hopes, or example.
I understand that so much more now than I did before Nick, Jack and Lily. People always used to say I was patient. Yeah, it's easy to be patient when there's nothing on your nerves.
Patience is for losers willing to accept less than perfection!
Like Chad, I nearly spewed coffee all over my keyboard upon reading of the shit dance. Good work, Herr Keller...almost got 2 of us in one shot, and you didn't even have to be in the damn room! Not only a huge success, but in the event we HAD forcefully ejected java everywhere, there is little chance any of it would have reached you...unless it's some sort of coffee version of the magic JFK bullet.
I deem your Tamdhu series a massive success. Huzzah!
People always used to say I was patient. Yeah, it's easy to be patient when there's nothing on your nerves.
Yah, I hear you Liam. When you'd really just like to strangle and kill a human being (co-worker, spouse, parent, shopkeeper) you can just say "Hmm.. perhaps now is a good time to leave and be elsewhere" That doesn't work so well when you're stuck with them. And with dogs, they'll never comprehend. They won't develop speech capacity in a few years.
I'm very happy & humbled to hear that everyone's enjoyed the first round of Tamdhu stories. You guys keep me posting :)
Patience is an interesting thing. When I was teaching I would come home and wonder why I was more patient with the kids than Erron was. They would do something and I would be all calm and corrective and she would be ready to scream. It was only after spending a few weeks at home this summer that I realized that patience is really a resource that gets depleted, and everyone needs a break now and again to build that tolerance back up. This summer they have really matured though and I think when I go back to work Erron will have a much easier time solo parenting while I teach.
Since this is a blog about you, I guess I should make it about... you. While Jimbo jr. may not do a shit dance they will surely do something in the first year or two that gives you two conflicting urges. #1 is to clean up the mess/remove the danger/hide the evidence. #2 is to grab the camera and hope you can catch that moment for all to see. Just try and get a few #2's. (for anyone who hasn't seen the video of Elijah getting the potty stuck on his head, that's a good example.)
Quick question - is THIS your blog now? Or are the others still part of the whole JK package?
Yes, this is my one and only blog.
The only one I'm aware of is my old blogger account (jameslikesbeer.blogspot.com). It still exists, but this website (FeelingsOfWhite.com) includes everything that was on blogger and more. It is the only one I (semi-)regularly update.
Are there other pages about me that you've been finding?
http://jameslikesbeer.blogspot.com/
and
http://uninterestingtestblog.blogspot.com/
are the two I found for you
Oh! Forgot about UninterestingTestBlog. It was indeed just a testing blog used for blogspot. I've deleted it now. The jameslikesbeer.blogspot.com will, unfortunately, stick around. But at least it has big "this site has moved" banners plastered all over it.
I'm glad you've found me at my new home Morpheus! (Oh, and I need to get that book back from you some time. We should do the lunch thing or beers thing or something)
Let's do that lunch thing - or that beer thing - I'd like that very much. What a great audience.