The First Church of The United Jimbo
Perhaps its just me, but it seems like its all the rage this century to start your own religion. Never one to be left out, I’m proud to announce:
Worship of the Holy Full Time Awesomeness Generator brings many benefits
- 10% discount on all Walmart purchases
- Eternal salvation through the Central Mysteries
- Fun do-it yourself badges, patches, etc.
- Tea
The Afterlife
Of course, the divinity of Jimbo is paramount, but there will be other lesser deities. As with many small cults, the initial membership is currently quite small. But act now and claim your spot in the pantheon. In an effort to fill the ranks, It has been guaranteed that the first twelve people to announce their cult membership will be given full deity status upon their death and reincarnation. Minor angelic positions will be filled after that, and so on. Operators are standing by.
Sins & Good Works
There are no proscriptions against defined sins. Merit is based instead upon a more positive list
- Level of sarcasm
- Construction of badges, patches and effigies which glorify The One True Jimbo
- Effigies can later be burned at backyard barbeques, etc, It is suggested that beer and cookies be served, but this is not strictly necessary
- Belief in one’s own awesomeness, either inherent or as an extension of their cult association
- Contemplation of the Central Mysteries
- Individual members are allowed and encouraged to create their own meritorious tasks, ensuring a diverse and inclusive structure. Reaching your pinnacle state of awesomeness just became easier. All self defined tasks are automatically endorsed by The Church.
The Central Mysteries
The contemplation of how it can be that His Awesomeness is so awesome. Now while this is certainly egotistical on The Jimbo’s part, it is a sacrifice he is willing to make in the name of sarcasm. After all, a deity must have at least a bit of ego to declare himself as such and besides BillG once read his blog, what have you done with your life?
It is believed by some that should a person ever truly comprehend the full awesomeness he would transcend instantly to a higher plane of existence, be awarded a fruit cup, and be put to work immediately in the labour camps.
Death and Reincarnation
His Jimboness did spake: “Lo, for he that believeth in me, shall never want for ribs and spicy wings in the afterlife. And he shall be returned to the earth, reincarnated in the following order:
And in addition, his name shall be written eternally in the Book of Awesomeness.” And it is said that after this speech, The Jimbo did collapse from intoxication and fell into a Holy Slumber wherein he communed with the cosmos, causing his words to become the truth of the universe. Reviving only briefly to give the blessing of the holy thumbs up.
In Summary
It’s certain that with the liberal views on prostitution, the universal flat tax endorsement and its compatibility with all other major religions (except Unitarianism), The First Church of Jimbo is predestined to make a significant contribution to many people’s lives. When the apocalypses comes, make sure you’ve got the proper insurance.
My brothers and sisters, Jimboism is the answer!
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I do have a concern with the beer and cookies combination it's suggested be served at effigy burnings. Those are two things that really don't tend to go well together.
You just need to keep trying. With enough effort, you can eat/drink that combination. So Say We All! [wheeee BSG in 9 days!!!!!]
I had thought you were a devout Pastafarian James, this could be taken poorly by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
I'm also a worshiper of the Holy Television, bringer of light. But thankfully Jimboism is compatible with all other major religions (except Unitarianism), so I didn't have to give up my pasta dreadlocks. They sway majesticly in strong breezes, I could never get rid of them.
What is the Jimboist stance on Revolution?
"In the beginning, there was stuff. But there was no Jimbo, so who gave a crap?"
The Revolution will be televised, pants-less and available the following monday on DVD and blu-ray. Revolutions should naturally be encouraged and preferably monkey-centric.
The Jimbo once thought he was part of a revolution, but it turns out to have been a marathon multi-year coffee session during which point he slept for only 12 minutes in the bathroom of a Humpty's. Although that may have involved a time-traveling urinal, so the exact duration requires an exact knowledge of the observers spacial locations and speed of distance and coffee consumption.
By the way, I love that quote and plan on stealing it for use somewhere :)
(sigh) The CONDOM DISPENSER was the time travel device. The urinal was...well, I think it was just a urinal. :)
And I don't ever remember you resembling a member of The Village People, so you probably would have been safe from any sort of 'time travel black hole'.
Yes... Yes... The Jimbo has absolutely no Village People outfits. Absolutely none. None whatsoever, you are indeed correct...
Oh, and if that Condom Dispenser was merely a condom dispenser, then I may have done some horribly inappropriate things to it.
Dear Condom Dispenser:
I am sorry.
I thought you were a time machine, which is
why I did those things I did to you. Please
forgive my ignorance. I hope therapy and
the years that have gone by have helped you
to move on.