It was many many years ago. This is an actual letter of complaint I mailed to Denny’s headquarters, regarding their removal of my favourite desert. Is it any wonder I never got a reply? I present it here as an ode to a pie that was removed from the menu far before its time.
Let us start by saying that I am both the penultimate Denny’s consumer and advocate. Far enough in the past, you may find that I frequented the competitive chain of Humpty’s - long live the egg. But a history of bad hiring practices as well as lapses in quality gave my friends and I reason to experiment - which led us to you.. The Retard! Denny himself.
And what did we find once we began frequenting your find establishment? Nothing but excellent food and the finest staff in all of the Canadian continent. Truly, nothing could improve the Denny’s chain.
But woe was us, for believing that this state of affairs could continue indefinitely. After over two years of constant frequentation, I discovered a flaw in you marvellous restaurant.
One day, as my friends and I sat complacently within the illustrious domicile that is Denny’s, I request a “Silk Pie” for desert. The holiest of holy pies. In my opinion, the unifying reason for the existence of Denny’s. But what of my Silk Pie? NO MORE! I was told. The Silk Pie has been eliminated. Cast aside. Removed from the Menu! Oh, the humanity. The travesty.
The Silk Pie was not only the best thing on the menu. It was an Item to be revered. To be worshiped. The Silk Pie was a desert above all others. It’s chocolate and whipped creaminess the driving point of sale.
But now, it is gone.
My friends laugh as I request the Silk Pie. Despite the futility, I still try. Perhaps there is an old silk pie, hiding in the back. Only slightly mouldy, and waiting to be eaten. Even this would be sufficient.
But they laugh. And the waitresses, uncomfortable, apologize. The Silk Pie is no longer. I’m afraid it has been removed.
Why, cruel world. Why?
The silk pie is the embodiment of goodness. A reason to go to Denny’s. Yet it is no more. But on behalf of patrons everywhere, I ask for it’s return. I ask for a reason for it’s banishment. Was the Silk Pie naughty? Did it misbehave? Was there a political reason it was removed from the menu? Were the other pies jealous?
Give me a reason! Tell me why this pie, a pie above all other pies, should be cast into oblivion. Tell me why, this silk pie, should die.
Give me meaning, help me to find the reason. The silk pie deserved a better fate. Perhaps an award show. Honorariums. For without question, the silk pie was a desert to be honoured.
Please, restore it to it’s full glory. That I may dine, once more, at Denny’s with an easy conscience. I long for the silk pie.. Pie above all others.
Long live the silk pie. May you return to Denny’s one day.
p.s. Under no circumstances must you eliminate “the super bird” (properly referred to as the “über bird”) Let no more travesties be committed against the Denny’s Menu.