Feelings of White   i wish i had raped the monkey but what i did instead was good too
Me, looking like Hot Sex inc. with my cool shades, a beer and my bountiful chest hair displayed for all to see
  • all
  • curator's pick
  • funny
  • narcissism
  • technical
  • the arts
  • the void
  • violent aggression
  • writing

Homunculus

A red attired imp springs forth from the head of a naked man curled up in a foetal position of anguish “Fuck you. You’ve never accomplished anything worthwhile. Hit yourself in the head. You are a coward. Why don’t you try to improve yourself? Don’t try anything. The world is going to hell and you need to fix it. You have no friends. Just sit and watch more TV. Someone else would do this better than you. Smoke cigarettes. You’re wasting your talent. Surf the internet instead. There is too little payoff for the insane amount of work you will have to put in. It’s too hard. Your art sucks. If you keep smoking you’ll die. You talk too much. You’re bald, but not in a nice Picard way. You’re destroying the environment. Do you know how many things you’ve left uncompleted? Cut yourself with a knife. You’re falling behind. You’re sexually inadequate. Let’s think everything through before making a decision. You fail to do anything you put your mind to. They’re laughing at you. You’re a bad friend. Nobody is reading what you write. You’re too tired to do anything meaningful. You have Aspergers Syndrome. Why can’t you understand? It’s stupid so don’t do it. If they know the real you, they won’t like it. Now that you’ve identified the necessary steps, completing it is too boring. A red attired imp whispers menacingly, one arm leaning casually on his knee You are so derivative. Why don’t you tell someone how you feel? Don’t tell anyone anything, they won’t understand. You look ugly. You have cancer, probably in your stomach, you just don’t know it yet. You will never be a success. They’re going to fire you. Smoke all the weed. You’re worthless. You don’t actually feel anything. No one supports you. It’s unoriginal. Smoke crystal meth. You are alone. Drink Drink Drink Drink. Society is organized the wrong way. Why do you keep sabotaging yourself? You have no faith in yourself. Don’t finish what you started, give up on it. This is not a good time to start. It’s too much work. Your skills as a programmer have deteriorated so badly you will never find another job. You’re permanently damaged goods. You will fail if you try. You are not worth loving. You don’t like anybody. Your wife will leave you. Everyone’s going to laugh at you. You are unmanly. Kill yourself. Drink and drive. I hate you. You’re depressed. Nobody likes you. That’s too hard. You’re too much like your Mom. You’re too much like your Dad. Your dreams are unachievable. Shut up. You can’t write. You haven’t really changed ever. If you keep drinking you’ll die. A red attired imp hangs himself with his own tie, his tongue hanging out of his mouth You’re stupid. Life is miserable. Procrastinate instead. No one understands or cares what you are saying. What’s the point anyway? If you don’t succeed you’re worthless. Nobody cares about you or what you have to say. You’ve already done that, it’s repetitive. Don’t go to sleep. You’re a horrible parent. You aren’t participating in the conversation the right way. You’re doing it wrong. Cut off all your fingers with a knife. Quit. You’re overweight. Do something easier. Don’t even try.”

2010 May 07 12:23 am; Filed under narcissism, the void and tagged artwork, depression, drugs, empowerment, the process.
« VA#6 Violent Aggression vs. Decency « before «
» after » Lost Untangled »
  • http://www.bisonweb.ca/blog liam

    I never know how to respond to this kind of post. So I never usually do.

    Maybe it's a whiff of whimsy that is spurring me on with this. Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of analyzing my own inner asshole. For whatever reason, here I am, and here is this:

    My initial reaction to this post was a self-defense mechanism of machismo. I am not proud of this, but things like this post act like a mirror onto myself and into my own self-destructive thoughts. I read the first bit, turned away, with some negative thoughts. To my credit, however, I turned back very soon and read it with softer eyes.

    We are our own harshest critics. It is easy to push these thoughts down, but it's also very easy to let them bubble up. My own procrastination is driven by fear. I know that much. Does anyone like me? Do I like anyone? I dunno. Depends on which day, which minute you ask. I pretty much always like my kids, but how bad am I screwing them up?

    Thing is, I don't think these questions, these doubts and these urges go away. I used to think that my dad had all the answers because he was strong. Now I think he's strong because he doesn't have the answers and he keeps going anyway. I like to think I have the same in me, and I'm pretty sure you have the same in you.

    I like the picture of devil-you stomping on disturbing, naked you's head.

  • Legion

    I believe everyone on the planet can relate, even though everyone would write out different sentences than the ones I did, negative thoughts and doubts collect in our psyche so easily. It's so easy to repeat them over and over and over until it overwhelms and crushes our spirits. In avoiding repetition I was actually kind of amazed at how few words ended up there, because when I'm telling myself those words it feels like there's an inexhaustible supply.

    When I clicked publish I recall thinking "Wow, I'm going to get a lot of comments on this one" and after a while I realized "well, then again, what do you expect anyone to say?" (Hmm.. a new sentence full of doubt) it was very hard to resist the temptation to pair this with some sort of immediate explanation (which would dilute it) but yeah, it's not exactly a fun thing to look at. It wasn't always fun to create. But some parts of ourselves aren't fun. Daylight cast in the right direction can do amazing things.

    Thank you for honoring my art by giving it your attention, and even going so far as responding to it. It means a very very great deal to me that you took the time.

  • Tammy

    I hate having those kinds of thoughts, it's very true when people talk about changing your "internal dialogue". We all have them, some people show them more on the surface, some of us mask them or try and push them down. I suspect that is where a lot of other negative behaviors come from. The mind is a powerful thing and our own perceptions are more powerful than even the truth can be. I think of the 85lb guy i saw on TV lately that thought he was "fat"! Wow, talk about a distorted sense of himself. Anyway, great insight. I hope one day to see an opposite version of those words which will reflect the James that i see : )

  • Legion

    Thanks Tammy. I guess I mostly feel like all the other words on this site are the opposite of this post. On a personal level, my hope is that by confronting those negative parts of my internal dialogue that perhaps they'll have a little less power over me. Hopefully a good start to a new chapter of creativity.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Subscribe

Recent Awesomeness

  • Neurotic Dad
  • #8 VA vs. Brevity
  • Lost in the Epilogue
  • Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution
  • I shoulda got a fake fingernail
  • How did this shit get started?
  • Feeding the dragon, or plant, or.. shit I’m out of time
  • Why are you eating so much soy and corn?
  • Cop Out
  • I’m A Stay At Home Dad!
  • Firefly & Serenity
  • The Kitchen of Zarro Boogs
  • America’s Got Talent FTW!
  • Steamed Salmon with Tomato Basil Couscous
  • Dream Stealers Like Me

Other Opinions

Sorry, I know colors suck, I will fix it sometime...

Find things tagged

4400 Battlestar Galactica Battlestar Galactica cliff comics curation depression erron family fiction food funny game janine job kelly kyle liam lost manifesto meta mlp music nathan passionate diatribes plug poem Really Dumb Story relationships review revisionism sam sermon software spirituality star trek Star Trek Deep Space Nine suicide tamdhu testpoint the process travels video vlad wtf

What was I doing in..

  • March 2011 (2)
  • August 2010 (23)
  • July 2010 (4)
  • June 2010 (1)
  • May 2010 (2)
  • April 2010 (2)
  • January 2010 (1)
  • December 2009 (4)
  • November 2009 (2)
  • October 2009 (1)
  • August 2009 (2)
  • July 2009 (2)
  • June 2009 (1)
  • May 2009 (1)
  • April 2009 (3)
  • March 2009 (11)
  • February 2009 (6)
  • January 2009 (10)
  • December 2008 (3)
  • October 2008 (1)
  • August 2008 (2)
  • July 2008 (3)
  • June 2008 (1)
  • May 2008 (11)
  • April 2008 (7)
  • March 2008 (3)
  • February 2008 (1)
  • January 2008 (2)
  • December 2007 (1)
  • October 2007 (1)
  • September 2007 (3)
  • August 2007 (1)
  • June 2007 (3)
  • May 2007 (2)
  • March 2007 (5)
  • February 2007 (5)
  • January 2007 (13)
  • September 2006 (1)
  • June 2001 (3)
  • May 2001 (2)
  • April 2001 (2)
  • March 2001 (2)
  • February 2001 (1)
  • January 2001 (1)
  • November 2000 (5)
  • May 2000 (3)
  • April 2000 (5)
  • March 2000 (3)
  • February 2000 (3)
  • January 2000 (6)
  • December 1999 (17)

Copyright © 2009 Feelings of White | Powered by WordPress | Original site design by Stephen Reinhardt; tweaked by me