Seriously.

I've lost the good sense not to scream in his face at times. I have turned in to the exact parent I push so hard not to be. Why? Because I can't do it half way either. I want to be the kind of fantastic parent I have set out in my mind and when I can't be, or have been stretched in a way that I do not flex, I actually flip the other way I turn into the monster. Ask Petra about the stack of glass bowls I threw on to the floor in a fit of rage. Watching those bowls turn into a million pieces (they were Pyrex so it really was a million or so) was so satisfying, and so were the shrieks of horror from my family. Now I'm ashamed of that incident, Petra remembers it, and when I'm angry she asks me about it.

Or ask Kyle about the time I threatened to spend copious amounts of his money on organic meat because he wasn’t getting on board with me about getting a pig as quickly as would have liked. I just bought a side of organic pork for a ton of money and I knew raising our own was going to be way cheaper.

I have eaten chocolate for breakfast in the pantry so the kids wouldn’t see.

I have been sure that Kyle is going the divorce me because my anger is so large. I have called him at work because I need to yell at someone. He has told me to go see a psychologist.

I have been a very bad parent. But…. I want to be a good one, so that means most of the time I’m fighting to be just that. I care to be more, and so do you, and that counts for a lot, or at least I think it does.

Homemade bread is good. Homemade bread is its own type of anti depressant. And I have a great recipe for crackers, a really, really good one. Call me when you need it. Or call me when you need to yell at someone or stomp on furniture.

Couples are always negotiating expectations of each other and we are always fighting our internal dialogues that remind us of what we haven't done, rather than saying..hey good job for the stuff you did accomplish.

I think though it is really important for all stay at home parents to have some alone time or go for coffee with friends time. Those of us that work out of home get a social outlet that you don't get. I am glad you just wrote your feelings and said what i think lots of people think.

George Lucas writes another Star Wars trilogy, where an 'updated' version of Yoda advises someone to "See the middle path, yo."

Your world has changed a lot in the last two years. It is obvious that you are still learning to adjust, and that's OK. No one figures this shit out overnight.

You need to let James be James every now and then. Not Dad James. Not Husband James. If James needs to write, build, cook, or go out for coffee (hint hint); let him once in a while. Make the things you do meaningful to you and don't try to change the world just because it needs to be changed.

Seek the Middle Path, yo.

Obviously, I can't give you some grand words of wisdom here about dealing with kids when they're annoying or what not. Or, I can't without coming off as just a colossal asswipe, and I must be tired or something because I actually feel like avoiding being an asswipe.

Oh look, cracking a joke before I get down to serious business again! Lovely to know I still haven't shaken that habit...

You got angry and screamed at your son, but you had the sense to actually not grab him and yell right in his face, so you've avoided going totally Mel Gibson. You've managed to maintain some level of self control. Kind of an important distinction, and anyone who thinks they're one and the same is a self important fuckbag who lives in a bubble and is about as relevant as the Jackson family.

Human beings constantly seek out a perfection that isn't going to happen. As long as it stays as an aspiration and doesn't become something they're so desperate for that it becomes a depressing non-reality, that's fine. But you're going to have days where that depression gets the best of you, and honestly, THAT'S fine as long as it doesn't take a bottle of Jack to climb back up.

It's great that you want to change the way you're preparing and eating and thinking about food. It also isn't going to happen with a snap of the fingers. All of that crap food is popular because it's loaded up with all kinds of lovely little chemicals that make it taste so fucking awesome that you want it all the time. You don't just shake that. Hell, we probably never will completely get away from it. How many people in the Western world are obese? That doesn't happen without it tasting good. Processed food is basically legalized smack, and if you look at the health impact of both in numbers or dollar figures, it's worse. You don't just wake up one morning and throw away your rubber hose and needles and never again get a craving for a sweet shot of horse, and you don't just stop eating fast food cheeseburgers.

I of course cannot forgive you for actually using that phrase that every single male in existence dreads. That's just going too far.

I am even more of a rambling and incoherent mess than usual, so I think it actually is better for everyone if I stop typing and go to bed now.