Good Goddamn, Harmony’s Z-Wave Sucks Donkey Ass
I have a Harmony 890 remote. If you haven’t heard of these beautiful universal remotes (there are other good remotes in the Harmony series), they are simply amazing. Like any universal remote they control multiple home theatre equipment but unlike most they are activity based. Meaning when you press the “Watch TV button” (It has an LCD screen allowing infinite activities, custom buttons, etc) it can do things like switch the television to HDMI 2, turn on the receiver, turn off the DVD player (because you had previously been watching the DVD player so it knew it was on), change the audio receiver to the correct input. You press one button, it does all that. It’s smart. It’s hooks up via USB to your computer allowing you to program it with a nice GUI computer app and the 890 model can use an RF extender which is a fancy way of saying you don’t even need line-of-sight (pointing a remote at the device you want to control now strikes me as very quaint)
I got one years back and it’s a been simply great, until now. Looking to upgrade my media room, I sprung for my first Z-Wave device: a wall dimmer switch. Z-Wave devices are how you can do things like have the lights dim to 25%, turn on the fireplace and have the window blinds close, all with a single button. The switch paired with the Harmony remote and, technically, it can indeed do all those things.
But you can’t map any buttons to Z-Wave devices?!?! The remote can clearly control the light dimmer, but not easily. After turning on the TV, you must then press “Activities -> RF Control -> Individual Lights -> Ceiling Light -> Brighter (continue clicking “brighter” until desired brightness) then if you want to go back to controlling the television press Activities -> Watch Television. FUCK YOU HARMONY!!! I can map any remote button to any function on any device… except z-waves, apparently. I can make channel up adjust the tv aspect ration and channel down pause my dvd player. But if I wanted, say, to make channel up + down increase/decrease the brightness? Harmony doesn’t let me do this. FUCK YOU HARD IN THE ASS HARMONY!! AND BY A WELL ENDOWED BLACK MAN.
There’s a snazzy feature where I can map a “scene” to an activity. Let’s say when I press the “Watch TV” activity I would like to set the scene to “lights at 50%”. This I can do and it’s would melt a girls panty’s off, that’ show hot it is. Then I press the “off” button. The TV, the receiver, the etc, they all turn off. But not the lights. They stay at 50% because it’s not possible to map a scene to the off button. DOUBLE FUCK YOU WITH A METAL BLADED DILDO HELD BY A MUSCULAR MAN WITH PARKINSONS!!!! That’s was my dream! When I go to bed press one button and everything turns off, but NO! You fucking goddamn dream stealers!
Okay, let’s say I decide I can live with pressing “Off” then Activities -> RF Control -> All Off (or y’know pulling my ass of the couch and pressing a physical switch like some uncultured luddite). Okay, I’ve decided I could live with that. I turn on my television and the lights go 50% automatically. It’s late evening and I’d like the lights just a tad brighter. Now since I can’t map buttons to change light intensity I go to Activities -> RF Control -> Individual Lights -> Ceiling Light -> Brighter (continue clicking “brighter” until desired brightness). Ahh, okay, perfect. Now I’d like to bring up the list of shows on my pvr, so I press Activities -> Watch Television AND THE FUCKING LIGHTS GO BACK TO 50%. there is a non-obvious work-around, but that's not the point
*eh-hem*
We are done with the raping, harmony remote. Oh wait, no we’re not. AN ENTIRE CHAIN GANG MAKES ROUGH SEX IN ALL YOUR ORIFICES WHILE DONKEY PUNCHING YOU WITH A SLEDGE HAMMER DIPPED IN PIG SHIT!@!!! FUCK YOU!!!
The entire thing just screams “demo feature” Some project manager had “Z-Wave support” on their matrix and the bare minimum was done to ensure they could place a check mark next to that feature. The basic usability is completely absent and it’s such a startling contrast to the rest of the remote. It’s clear the remote has the technical ability to control the Z-Wave devices, so why isn’t it better integrated into the whole experience? Googling revealed people complaining about this back in 2006 so I won’t hold my breath for a fix. It is just not good. I rate you the fail at z-wave, Harmony.
Harmony remote, you may be wondering why you’ve been strapped, naked and prone, to this table. Additionally, you may be wondered about the gorilla with hotsauce smeared on his penis giving you a very evil look. Yeah, you’re going to get raped by a gorilla. No, no, I’m sorry, there won’t be any discussion, you brought this on yourself.
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